I'm tired of this world.

Yes, I'm tired of this world. You wanna know why? Maybe you really don't care but I'll tell you anyways. I'm tired of trying to fit in a world where whatever you do it just isn't enough. I'm 24 years old, I've never had a boyfriend and I've never had my first kiss. It sucks right? Well yes it does, sometimes I feel like no one even notices me. I'm not like other girls of course, and I can already bet you're thinking "she must be fat" and that is a yes to that, also I'm not attractive, don't have big "boobs" or a big "booty" I suppose I'm just a normal fat girl that no one ever notices, but the point is that this world is so depressing and that makes me depressed. You see I might not be like those tv girls, models, actress, etc, but I have real feelings, cause I might be fat but that can disappear with exercise or even a operation but what you can't change is the person's personality. I have a wonderful personality, well that's what the people that love me tell me every single day, but sometimes it's just not enough, cause I wished someone in this world would just give me a chance to get to know me better and fall in love of me for what I am. I just wanna know what it feels when the person you love, loves you back. 

But in this real world that will not happen, so I guess I'll just stay alone doing what I do best, keep reading all those books where happy endings do exist. 

Cause to be honest, I'm tired of this world.

Good bye Mr Depression.

The depression is gone, I'm feeling pretty good, ok not to good cause I'm on my days so I get grumpy or I get sentimental that's ugly, but it will go just like my depression. Now I'm on the mood to go out cause this is life in colors! Hell yeah (sorry the expression) I'm gonna go out and explore the world. Cause I wanna live while I can, while Mr depression is gone cause maybe he'll be back or maybe not, that depends of me. And I don't want him back, he makes me feel vulnerable, I hate that. So good bye Mr depression hope you bought a one way ticket I will not need of you in a long time. Au revoir Mr depression and have a good trip (but I really hope you have a bad trip, sorry).

Sin despedida.

No pienses que me fui porque no te queria, era algo que tenia que hacer, ya estaba escrito que me iría y que no habría una despedida. ¿Sabes por que? Claro que no lo sabes, te lo explicaré, porque yo odio las despedidas, odio no querer decir adiós, odio ese nudo en la garganta, odio sentir como las lagrimas me queman los ojos luchando por salir, odio tener que dar el ultimo abrazo, odio tener que verte llorar y no poder hacer algo para evitar que tus lágrimas caigan, odio ser yo la culpable de tu tristeza, odio irme y dejarte, odio sentir todo esto y no poder detenerlo.

Cuando estaba pequeña viví dos experiencias que me hicieron odiar tanto las despedidas, la primera fue a la edad de 5 años, me cuidaba una familia indu con los que me encariñe demasiado eran como mi segunda familia, entonces llego el dia en que la hija de ellos se iba de viaje para su país natal , cuando llego el momento de despedirse recuerdo que me aferre a ella no la soltaba, comencé a llorar y a gritar que me quería ir con ella pero como era de esperar no me dejaron. Después de eso nunca la volví a ver. La segunda experiencia que termino por enseñarme que las despedidas son una parte muy difícil de afrontar cuando quieres demasiado a una persona, esa fue a los 12 años de edad pero en esa ocasión me toco a mi irme para otro lugar, a otra parte del mundo, al otro lado del continente, me toco a mi decir adiós porque esto no era un hasta pronto era una definitiva despedida, pero esta vez me toco a mi ver mi mejor amiga de la infancia corriendo detrás de nuestro carro llorando y gritando que no me fuera. ¿Te imaginas algo asi? Que alguien a quien tu quieres mucho te diga llorando que no te vayas y menos que salga corriendo detrás de tu automóvil gritando que te quedes. ¿Que harías tu? Yo en ese instante no pude hacer nada, pero si hubiera podido me habría regresado para quedarme pero entonces tal vez todo hubiera sido distinto, no te hubiera conocido, pero no me estarías odiando, aunque el destino no fue así.

Pero ahora comprendes porque odio las despedidas, es algo muy doloroso, porque es dejar toda una vida atrás y dejar a los que amas duele tanto. Te estarás preguntando como hice para despedirme de mi familia y porque de ti no, veras no fue nada fácil sentí que me dolió hasta el alma pero fue distinto porque con mi familia fue un hasta pronto por eso de ellos si me despedí, pero de ti simplemente no pude, lo lamento pero si lo hubiera hecho se que me habrías pedido que me quedara pero sabes bien que no lo habría hecho y por eso dolería mas. Porque dejarte fue algo que rompió mi corazón, pero no me odies por eso, mejor odiame por quererte tanto, odiame por no querer ver tus lágrimas. Y si, odiame por odiar las despedidas.

Lo siento, lo nuestro fue sin despedida.

Mature.

Today didn't happen much, I'm still feeling bad but not too bad like yesterday, you see my depression consists in crying, listening sad music, eating a lot or not eating at all, but than after some days it just goes and I feel great. Kinda crazy huh? Well today something did happen that well I just have never seen or maybe not the way I saw it, two of my classmates started to discuss in front of our teacher (doctor) and said well let me just say they used inappropriate language, you should have seen my face it had 3 stages: first face was like of surprised 😨 , second face was of embarrassment 😓 cause damn do that in front of the teacher isn't good at all, and the third but not last face was kinda like I wanna throw myself on the floor and start laughing out loud when I mean out loud is really really out loud hahaha 😂 it really doesn't bother me at all cause they can beat up each other but the point is that no matter what age we have we aren't mature (we don't have a mature attitude) even though we try I mean like my teacher says "it is what it is", people say they are very mature but trust me they have something that will make them lose control. So maybe nobody's actually mature, cause people can be mature "sometimes" and others can act as like if they're matures cause I think being and acting mature are two totally different things right? What do you think? Cause I am mature depending the situation and trust me sometimes I am a really mature person so much that I even get surprised BUT sometimes I'm not. So are you a mature person? Or do just act like one or both?

Good night world.

No, things didn't get better this day, I've felt worse, but the only thing that did kinda surprised me was when one of my classmates asked me if I was fine cause she said I looked sad, wow I was like someone realized cause usually no one ever notices so when she asked me I didn't even know what to answer. But that's not all guess what made my day even more worse? Today they gave us our test grades and guess how much I got after staying up all night studying?!! Congratulations to me I got a B+ (88%) great huh? According to my grade scale a B+ means above average; good oh come on just GOOD that is just #&%$@* so now I have three B+ and one A+, I'm not a nerd neither am I a smart smart girl but I am very dedicated cause I like what I study, I'm a med student trying to be a doctor. But now going back to the grade score if we do a sum it would be like this depressed + bad grades (above average; good)= more more more depressed. But I'm alive today so that counts as a triumph 💪. Tomorrow will be a other day so I might as well just try to get some sleep and "maybe" I'll feel better tomorrow. So good night world.

Good morning world.

Guess what? According to my calendar we only have 84 days till this year finishes, yikes that's kinda freaking and like every year there's many things we didn't do, things we promised, but the good thing is that we still have a bit of time to finish this year as we want. But that's not the point of this post! Good morning world, today is a good day to be who you wanna be, to make your dreams come true and be the best! Sounds good huh? Yeah but I don't feel like that today, its like one of those days where you wake up and you just don't know what your doing I mean its like if nothing makes sense its that sensation of sadness of some thing missing in your life but you can't find the answer or you do know the answer but you're just afraid to accept it. But I guess I have to try my best not to think about all that until I get home cause right now I have to try and concentrate in school to get good grades and blah, blah, blah, whatever, so today isn't gonna be a bad day, after all I'm alive.

En busca de aquel lugar ..

Hace bastante tiempo mi hermanita pequeña de 5 añitos me preguntaba que ¿por que morían tantas personas en todo el mundo? Y recuerdo que me quedé callada por un momento tratando de pensar que le contestaría y le dije que no sabía era algo que tampoco entendía que tal vez era la ley de la vida en fin unsure emoticon y luego me pregunto ¿habrá un lugar donde nadie muera? Mi respuesta fue no se, tal vez sí y de pronto ella comenzó a sonreír y me dijo: pues hay que ir en busca de ese lugar smile emoticon mi respuesta fue SI heart emoticon. Ahora mi hermanita tiene 9 años y aún seguimos buscando ese lugar. (':